Soul Sister


(for Sadee)



I didn’t know her,

but when you said

she was gone my

insides collapsed

and I curled up and wept,

shaking with the certainty

that an injustice had befell you-

That there was nothing

I could tell you to

console the hole

you were cradling

between your palms

and fingers enlaced with

understandable denial-

This trial to test

how all of the best

parts of you would

be needed to glue

together whatever

pieces you were able

to salvage from the

floorboards after you tore

yourself limb from limb

trying to understand how

you weren’t let in to save her…

(I’m sorry she didn’t call).



I didn’t know her,

but sometimes when

I close my eyes

I see her face

and I retrace

all the ways that I saw

her love for you.

I hear her voice,

and feel confused

by the choice

to leave so soon…

Then I wake up thinking

that you need to grieve…

That the knot in your

throat is thick and when

you swallow you don’t

remember to breathe

because it hurts more

than you could have

ever conceived but

the strength of your spine

keeps you standing upright,

and the paint on your canvas

keeps your mind turning right,

so you have found a way to

see that she is still with you.



I didn’t know her,

but I know she’s around you…

I know she surrounds you

with a love unbound

by physicality.

She has bestowed

a gift that transcends

the spiritual rift between

the cosmos and this reality-

So swallow slowly.

Leave breath between tears.

Let the years console you.

Let her memory hold you,

and raise your brush

when the rush of aching

sadness threatens you.

Find her soul inside the most

brilliant and impassioned hues.

Let the paint tell the story

of your best friend.

Let your creativity

give her life again.

Let her smile rest softly

behind your eyes and during

the worst and most painful times,

remember to breathe.


M.Toth 9.2009


My Dearest Soul Sister Laur Laur,

We miss you.  Always.